The New Normal. A phrase, for whatever reason, that Frank has heard quite a bit lately. Seems that "The New Normal" is some sort of catch-phrase used to describe the aftermath of a change. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but how do you define a "new normal" when it seems the old normal was never defined to begin with!
Normal to Frank has always been some obscure concept. Even from a young age, normal just wasn't there. While the other kids had dads that worked a day shift and were home at night, Frank's dad worked second shift, and was rarely home in the evenings. Now, don't get me wrong, there were advantages, quite a few actually, that went along with that. Dad was there to get Frank and his sister up and off the school, complete with a hot breakfast and a final "check" as we walked out the door to catch the bus.
Normal was not in Frank's vocabulary in his teen years, especially when he entered the workforce. While the other kids were working part time jobs at fast food joints, Frank started part time at a national chain grocery store. Within a couple of years, he was considered full time, and by the time he graduated from high school, his salary was actually more than what some of his non-tenured teachers were making.
This new normal has come to Frank's mind mostly due to the time of the year. In a short month or so, quite a few parents will start to adjust to another new normal. Some will face the first time their little ones start school; others will face the new normal that comes with their adult children starting college, especially if it's away from home; and still others will face the new normal of watching their children, now adults, either enter the workforce following attaining a college degree, or getting married and starting their own families...or both. In either case, probably moving out of the family home.
Frank is learning a new normal of his own, as are Tammy, Allison and Kendall. At the end of last month, they moved from their home of ten and a half years, into a new home. When first told of the pending move, one of their daughters became somewhat emotional. The other, this being the only home she has ever known, seemed to take it in stride.
Their two dogs, one about 3 and the other 13, seemed to handle the move in different ways as well. The older of the two, Shay, did not adjust well. She was obviously confused, struggled standing up on the newly-polished hardwood floors, and just didn't seem to like the change at all.
Potter, on the other hand, well, he was just Potter. Always the bundle of energy, he explored the new home, laid claim to some of his favorite spots, and adjusted probably better than most of us.
Of course with the multitude of tasks of moving, Frank and Tammy didn't have time to dwell on the move. With the moving of utilities, closing of the documents, as well as physically moving 27 years worth of "stuff" from one location to another, their hands were full. Once the house was completely empty, Frank did one last walk through, checking each closet and room, every cubby hole and hiding place. He looked in Kendall's bedroom where, although empty now, had been the home of her crib and toys, bed and stuffed animals.
He looked in Allison's room, now a neutral color, but once a pepto-bismol pink, a concession that Frank had made when they moved to this "forever" home in December, 2003. The big office downstairs, once the home of his firm, now stood empty. The storage room, where he had made his signature wines, empty as well. Although the hint of a wine scent still in the air, or so Frank thought.
The freshly cut yard, with only the swingset remaining, waited for the new family to arrive. He looked out over the back yard, where once were crop furrows when they arrived, but now, a green, lush yard. Many back-breaking hours of seeding and mowing had gone into that back yard, now to be someone else's chore.
Tammy and Frank had contracted the building of this custom home some 11 years ago. They had picked out the lot, the plan, had even customized the plan to suit their tastes. At that time, it was considered to be their "forever" home...having everything they could ever want or need. Little did they know how much change they would see over the next 11 years. As the house took shape, the walls erected, the flooring laid, everything was coming together.
But change was on the horizon. A couple of years or so after moving in, Frank opened his firm. A year or so later, Kendall was born. Allison kept advancing in grades and life kept happening. The 30-or-so stairs became a challenge, just getting groceries in the house became difficult. Kendall started pre-school and Allison was a full-blown high school student. It wouldn't be long before Allison would be pulling out of that driveway on her way to college. Another "new normal."
But, now, the "new normal" is home being a mere 20 minutes away. The office will stay the same; Frank's commute time will grow by 3 times. Instead of 5 minutes to the office, it's now 15. The home they have purchased puts them closer to family and church, the community more urban that what they have had. The yard is about a fourth of what they've had, the house about the same size, sans all those stairs. Kendall will start school in the fall, 2nd grade, another "new normal" from the home schooling environment she had last year.
Just to make sure he has as many changes as possible, Frank also traded in his signature truck for one of those cross-over vehicles. Gas mileage significantly higher, and the change to driving a non-truck has been challenging, to say the least. But change will happen.
As summer starts to wind down, the boxes are being unpacked, the rooms are being set up, area rugs are going down and window blinds are going up. The house is turning into a home. Routines are being set and the new normal continues to evolve.
Next month, Allison will return to college and will only be home about one weekend a month. Although the frequency of visits home makes Frank sad, he realizes that she is growing into a young adult, her life is changing, her interests no longer exclusive to areas close by.
In closing, it seems as though this new normal, well, it's more about facing and embracing change. Nothing stays the same, no matter how "forever" you may think something is. Who would've thought that this move would happen just 10 1/2 years later; who would've thought that Frank would open his own firm; who would've thought that Frank and Tammy would be blessed with not one, but two beautiful daughters? Certainly not Frank.
But, maybe, just maybe, constant change IS the New Normal. Food for thought.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A New Approach
Frank is not normally an outwardly religious person. He has his set of values, he knows where his faith resides, he's in church every Sunday and serves in various capacities within the church. If he didn't have a strong faith, chances are, he wouldn't be devoting so much time and energy to the church.
Having said that, Frank will be the first to tell you that there aren't many challenges that cross his path that he won't tackle. Whether it be a technical problem with a project at the office, some issue that needs an approach toward resolution, or maybe some glitch with a computer program that is driving him crazy. Sometimes, his approach proves to be not the best, and he ends up having to back up and come at the problem from a different angle. The backup and regrouping process is frustrating at best, and recognizing when to admit what he's doing is not working proves just as frustrating as the actual backing up and starting over.
Such is the case with a particular change in Frank's life that has occurred over the past few months. A major change to say the least, but one that should have been able to be incorporated into the everyday routine with a nominal amount of effort. However, this particular change became all-consuming to Frank. One of his friends referred to his attitude as "hyper-focused." That may be a stretch, but it does describe to a degree how consuming this issue is for Frank. Emotionally, the pending change caused Frank's behavior to change dramatically. As the change took place, Frank's behavior continued to change, his focus not where it should be, his get up and go had got up and went. All these changes were to such a degree, that those around Frank became concerned enough to try and help him "snap out of it." But, there was only one person that could recall Frank to his old self, and that was Frank...or so he thought.
Frank has always been of the opinion that life only gives you what you can bear. It's covered in Scripture:
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation
taken you but such as is common
to man: but God is faithful, who
will not suffer you to be tempted
above that ye are able; but will
with the temptation also make a
way to escape, that ye may be able
to bear it.
To Frank, that meant that whatever comes his way, he should be able to bear the burden and carry on. If it was an emotional burden, he should be able to weather the storm. If it was a financial burden, he should be able to come up with the funds to keep him and his family on solid ground. If it was a physical challenge, he should have the strength to overcome. And, to most situations, this belief was enough. He could somehow, someway find a solution with the resources at hand.
But this was different. There did not appear to be a solution. There was no silver bullet to make the emotions Frank was feeling go away. He spoke with trusted friends, colleagues, but no one could offer any more than, "You'll get over it," or "give it some time," or "we've all been through it." That wasn't good enough! Frank wanted an answer, a solution, and it wasn't coming to him in the usual forms. Google was no help. A pill to deaden the feelings was not the answer Frank wanted. Talking to a total stranger was not an option. Frank started down a quick path to a very lonely place. As long as things were like they used to be, he was on top of the world...but when the change came, he went to a place he did not like. Frank had to find a way out, and, in his mind, only he could do this...alone.
But, signs were beginning to appear that were telling Frank there was a way out of the dark place he had entered. A way he had not considered. As Frank sat in church on an early September Sunday, the following phrases came out during the weekly sermon...
"Those who seek their peace from Him will not be rocked by the storms of change, but held secure in the anchor of His grace,"
and
"The Psalmist directs us not to the therapist who hears us talk or the doctor with the ever ready prescription pad but to the Lord. Ours is a God of hope. Not the pie in the sky kind of hope but real hope. Not a distant hope which will be yours someday but today's hope amid today's problems, challenges, and issues."
As he entered the lowest of the lows, a team member suggested he go talk to a therapist. Frank's reply was not "no," but "no way!" This team member in her own way said something that struck another nerve.
(Paraphrased) "OK, you have two choices. You either go to a therapist and put the problem in their hands, or you put the problem in God's hands. Either way, you have to give it away."
So, he left the office early, and started driving. This was Frank's "go to method" for problem solving. As long as he had gas in a running vehicle, he could generally come up with options. He had not had lunch that day, so, he had a purpose. After a stop at a fast food drive thru, he drove some more, and found himself at his church. He remembers thinking, "This is odd. This is Monday and I don't have any meetings here." But into the church he went, reasoning that he was there now, just as soon check and make sure there's nothing pressing he needs to know about.
As he was walking through the church, having had two emotional conversations with two members of the church staff, he found himself alone outside the sanctuary. It was dark in there. However, he felt drawn to have a seat in his familiar pew, and just collect his thoughts. The words of the sermon from a week earlier kept coming back. The direction provided by his team member continued to strike a nerve..."either way, you have to give it away."
As he sat there, in the dark, looking toward the altar, he found a certain peace. A calmness so to speak from the emotional turmoil he had been experiencing. Nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering, but just a calmness. Then the questions started again. "How was he going to overcome this?" "How could he find his way back to where he needed to be?" "Could he even come back?" "Would he ever be happy again?" All questions that had been plaguing him for much too long. But then, another question came in..."Why was he so calm?
As he made his way home from church, these questions kept repeating themselves over and over again. "Did he need professional help?" "Had he slipped a gear?" All questions that had no answers.
He picked up some items for dinner, called a client, and made his way home. Tammy had spent the day at the zoo with Kendall, so she was pretty much wiped out. He prepared dinner, and settled in for a quiet evening of TV and football.
Shortly after dinner, a lifelong friend called Frank to finish a conversation from earlier that day. They talked about the events of the day, the woes of work and just general guy stuff. Before long the conversation turned back to the issue that Frank was facing, and they talked about it for quite a while. Frank remembers telling his friend, "I've got to figure out a way to fix this...and I DON'T KNOW HOW!" Frank was angry, truly and genuinely angry. This friend and Frank share a certain bond that allows them to let their guards down, to express those inner-most feelings to each other, and the time for niceties has passed in this instance and Frank needed answers and he needed them now!
The voice on the other end of the phone grew silent. Frank's initial thought was, "Great! Now I've made him mad!" But just as he was about to start an apology, he heard, "Frank, it's just this simple. It doesn't have to be any great oratory, just a quick, simple prayer. Something like, 'Lord, thank you for all the blessings, but I'm really struggling with this thing, and I could use a little help here.' That's all it will take. Frank, go back to the basics. Go to what you know will work. That's where you're going to find your answer."
Now, you've got to know this friend. Frank and he have known each other for the better part of 38 years. He and Frank are alot alike, but different. Neither of them not too terribly religious, but, again, having their faith and knowing where their values lie. In fact, out of all the conversations the two have had over the years, Frank could never remember a time when they had had a pointed conversation about religion or faith. Especially like this.
They chit chatted a little more, and as both had suffered through a long day, and the rest of the week wasn't shaping up to be a breeze, they said their good-byes and Frank returned to the TV he was watching. After rocking Kendall and putting her to bed, he got a shower and said good night to Tammy, calling it an early day. Before giving in to sleep, phrases kept running through his mind, "that you may be able to bear it," "not a distant hope but today's hope in the midst of problems, challenges and issues," "either way, you have to give it away," "Frank, go to what you know will work..that's where you're going to find your answer."
This morning, Frank's alarm went off an hour and a half early. He had set it for 5:00 instead of 6:30, something that he didn't normally do. After hitting the snooze and waiting the mandatory 10 minutes, he decided to get up and go to the gym. He reasoned, "Some time on the treadmill and the Nautilus will probably do me some good." As he sat in the truck after cranking the ignition, the song "Jesus, take the wheel" was on the radio.
Frank's mind was spinning. "Enough already! I get it. I need to quit trying to solve this on my own!" even though every fiber of his being continued to tell him he could handle this on his own. He didn't need any help. But, the more he sat there in the darkness, the more he realized that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong. As he backed out of the driveway and started the journey to the gym, clearness began. Just as his headlights brightened the road in front of him, the more the words he had been hearing showed him the path out of the painful place he had entered.
When he arrived at the gym, there was only one other vehicle in the parking lot. He sat in his truck for a few minutes, and in a silent prayer, gave away the problem. "It's not mine anymore. Lord, it's all yours. I can't handle this one, it's above my paygrade. Take it from me and help me find some peace."
And that was it. As he spent the next 30 minutes on the treadmill, the sweat dripped from his forehead onto the console of the machine. The more he sweated, the better he felt. It was as if the emotions of the problem were in those beads of sweat. He spent another 30 minutes on the Nautilus machines, then headed for the showers. As the water washed the remaining perspiration from his body, he looked down and felt as though the depressing emotions he had been experiencing were going down the drain.
Does this mean the emotions are gone? Probably not. Does this mean the sadness of the change will never rear its ugly head again? Probably not. Does this mean that Frank is back to 100% of his old self? No, not yet. But just as those headlights lighted the road on the way to the gym, Frank has a way out of the depths of those dark emotions. And, you can rest assured, he will keep on driving.
Having said that, Frank will be the first to tell you that there aren't many challenges that cross his path that he won't tackle. Whether it be a technical problem with a project at the office, some issue that needs an approach toward resolution, or maybe some glitch with a computer program that is driving him crazy. Sometimes, his approach proves to be not the best, and he ends up having to back up and come at the problem from a different angle. The backup and regrouping process is frustrating at best, and recognizing when to admit what he's doing is not working proves just as frustrating as the actual backing up and starting over.
Such is the case with a particular change in Frank's life that has occurred over the past few months. A major change to say the least, but one that should have been able to be incorporated into the everyday routine with a nominal amount of effort. However, this particular change became all-consuming to Frank. One of his friends referred to his attitude as "hyper-focused." That may be a stretch, but it does describe to a degree how consuming this issue is for Frank. Emotionally, the pending change caused Frank's behavior to change dramatically. As the change took place, Frank's behavior continued to change, his focus not where it should be, his get up and go had got up and went. All these changes were to such a degree, that those around Frank became concerned enough to try and help him "snap out of it." But, there was only one person that could recall Frank to his old self, and that was Frank...or so he thought.
Frank has always been of the opinion that life only gives you what you can bear. It's covered in Scripture:
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation
taken you but such as is common
to man: but God is faithful, who
will not suffer you to be tempted
above that ye are able; but will
with the temptation also make a
way to escape, that ye may be able
to bear it.
To Frank, that meant that whatever comes his way, he should be able to bear the burden and carry on. If it was an emotional burden, he should be able to weather the storm. If it was a financial burden, he should be able to come up with the funds to keep him and his family on solid ground. If it was a physical challenge, he should have the strength to overcome. And, to most situations, this belief was enough. He could somehow, someway find a solution with the resources at hand.
But this was different. There did not appear to be a solution. There was no silver bullet to make the emotions Frank was feeling go away. He spoke with trusted friends, colleagues, but no one could offer any more than, "You'll get over it," or "give it some time," or "we've all been through it." That wasn't good enough! Frank wanted an answer, a solution, and it wasn't coming to him in the usual forms. Google was no help. A pill to deaden the feelings was not the answer Frank wanted. Talking to a total stranger was not an option. Frank started down a quick path to a very lonely place. As long as things were like they used to be, he was on top of the world...but when the change came, he went to a place he did not like. Frank had to find a way out, and, in his mind, only he could do this...alone.
But, signs were beginning to appear that were telling Frank there was a way out of the dark place he had entered. A way he had not considered. As Frank sat in church on an early September Sunday, the following phrases came out during the weekly sermon...
"Those who seek their peace from Him will not be rocked by the storms of change, but held secure in the anchor of His grace,"
and
"The Psalmist directs us not to the therapist who hears us talk or the doctor with the ever ready prescription pad but to the Lord. Ours is a God of hope. Not the pie in the sky kind of hope but real hope. Not a distant hope which will be yours someday but today's hope amid today's problems, challenges, and issues."
As he entered the lowest of the lows, a team member suggested he go talk to a therapist. Frank's reply was not "no," but "no way!" This team member in her own way said something that struck another nerve.
(Paraphrased) "OK, you have two choices. You either go to a therapist and put the problem in their hands, or you put the problem in God's hands. Either way, you have to give it away."
So, he left the office early, and started driving. This was Frank's "go to method" for problem solving. As long as he had gas in a running vehicle, he could generally come up with options. He had not had lunch that day, so, he had a purpose. After a stop at a fast food drive thru, he drove some more, and found himself at his church. He remembers thinking, "This is odd. This is Monday and I don't have any meetings here." But into the church he went, reasoning that he was there now, just as soon check and make sure there's nothing pressing he needs to know about.
As he was walking through the church, having had two emotional conversations with two members of the church staff, he found himself alone outside the sanctuary. It was dark in there. However, he felt drawn to have a seat in his familiar pew, and just collect his thoughts. The words of the sermon from a week earlier kept coming back. The direction provided by his team member continued to strike a nerve..."either way, you have to give it away."
As he sat there, in the dark, looking toward the altar, he found a certain peace. A calmness so to speak from the emotional turmoil he had been experiencing. Nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering, but just a calmness. Then the questions started again. "How was he going to overcome this?" "How could he find his way back to where he needed to be?" "Could he even come back?" "Would he ever be happy again?" All questions that had been plaguing him for much too long. But then, another question came in..."Why was he so calm?
As he made his way home from church, these questions kept repeating themselves over and over again. "Did he need professional help?" "Had he slipped a gear?" All questions that had no answers.
He picked up some items for dinner, called a client, and made his way home. Tammy had spent the day at the zoo with Kendall, so she was pretty much wiped out. He prepared dinner, and settled in for a quiet evening of TV and football.
Shortly after dinner, a lifelong friend called Frank to finish a conversation from earlier that day. They talked about the events of the day, the woes of work and just general guy stuff. Before long the conversation turned back to the issue that Frank was facing, and they talked about it for quite a while. Frank remembers telling his friend, "I've got to figure out a way to fix this...and I DON'T KNOW HOW!" Frank was angry, truly and genuinely angry. This friend and Frank share a certain bond that allows them to let their guards down, to express those inner-most feelings to each other, and the time for niceties has passed in this instance and Frank needed answers and he needed them now!
The voice on the other end of the phone grew silent. Frank's initial thought was, "Great! Now I've made him mad!" But just as he was about to start an apology, he heard, "Frank, it's just this simple. It doesn't have to be any great oratory, just a quick, simple prayer. Something like, 'Lord, thank you for all the blessings, but I'm really struggling with this thing, and I could use a little help here.' That's all it will take. Frank, go back to the basics. Go to what you know will work. That's where you're going to find your answer."
Now, you've got to know this friend. Frank and he have known each other for the better part of 38 years. He and Frank are alot alike, but different. Neither of them not too terribly religious, but, again, having their faith and knowing where their values lie. In fact, out of all the conversations the two have had over the years, Frank could never remember a time when they had had a pointed conversation about religion or faith. Especially like this.
They chit chatted a little more, and as both had suffered through a long day, and the rest of the week wasn't shaping up to be a breeze, they said their good-byes and Frank returned to the TV he was watching. After rocking Kendall and putting her to bed, he got a shower and said good night to Tammy, calling it an early day. Before giving in to sleep, phrases kept running through his mind, "that you may be able to bear it," "not a distant hope but today's hope in the midst of problems, challenges and issues," "either way, you have to give it away," "Frank, go to what you know will work..that's where you're going to find your answer."
This morning, Frank's alarm went off an hour and a half early. He had set it for 5:00 instead of 6:30, something that he didn't normally do. After hitting the snooze and waiting the mandatory 10 minutes, he decided to get up and go to the gym. He reasoned, "Some time on the treadmill and the Nautilus will probably do me some good." As he sat in the truck after cranking the ignition, the song "Jesus, take the wheel" was on the radio.
Frank's mind was spinning. "Enough already! I get it. I need to quit trying to solve this on my own!" even though every fiber of his being continued to tell him he could handle this on his own. He didn't need any help. But, the more he sat there in the darkness, the more he realized that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong. As he backed out of the driveway and started the journey to the gym, clearness began. Just as his headlights brightened the road in front of him, the more the words he had been hearing showed him the path out of the painful place he had entered.
When he arrived at the gym, there was only one other vehicle in the parking lot. He sat in his truck for a few minutes, and in a silent prayer, gave away the problem. "It's not mine anymore. Lord, it's all yours. I can't handle this one, it's above my paygrade. Take it from me and help me find some peace."
And that was it. As he spent the next 30 minutes on the treadmill, the sweat dripped from his forehead onto the console of the machine. The more he sweated, the better he felt. It was as if the emotions of the problem were in those beads of sweat. He spent another 30 minutes on the Nautilus machines, then headed for the showers. As the water washed the remaining perspiration from his body, he looked down and felt as though the depressing emotions he had been experiencing were going down the drain.
Does this mean the emotions are gone? Probably not. Does this mean the sadness of the change will never rear its ugly head again? Probably not. Does this mean that Frank is back to 100% of his old self? No, not yet. But just as those headlights lighted the road on the way to the gym, Frank has a way out of the depths of those dark emotions. And, you can rest assured, he will keep on driving.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Change - like it or not, it's going to happen
Frank has been pondering on something for the past few weeks that has really hit home in several ways through the events that had occurred with the coming and going of graduation season. Someone named Arnold Bennett is quoted as saying, "Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." Arnold Bennett was an English novelists who lived around the turn of the 20th century. Frank came across this quote and it definitely struck a nerve.
On Friday, May 24th, Frank, Tammy and Kendall, along with family and friends, watched with pride as their oldest, Allison, graduated with honors from high school. For the past seventeen + years, they have prepared and awaited this moment, but as the event became "real" in late April, Frank found himself experiencing a great deal of mixed emotion as the days ticked closer. Let there be no doubt, Frank is immensely proud of Allison and her accomplishments. She has met the challenges put before her and has excelled. She has grown into a beautiful young lady and is now set to spread her wings and soar into the future.
The road before Allison, like all of us who have started down this road, is somewhat unclear. She really doesn't have a firm college major in mind, but has been accepted to a wonderful, small college in East Tennessee. She will, without a doubt, thrive and grow. Frank, Tammy and Allison visited Maryville in June to finalize plans for Allison's transition in August. There was information shared, some realities unveiled; schedules tentatively put in place. The ride back home was somewhat quiet, as all three of them digested the volumes of information they had received.
Leading up to graduation, Frank was somewhat emotional, but did his best to hide it from Allison. Whatever happens, he wanted her to make her future plans BASED ON HER, and not on anyone else, including him. Allison has always been very compassionate, and if she were to know how much it hurt her dad that she was going to be leaving and moving away to college, Frank feared she would change her plans. That is the last thing he wants.
A big hurdle for Frank was making it through the weeks between prom and graduation. Prom night was very difficult in that Frank watched as his little girl presented herself on the stairs of their home as a lady, a beautiful young lady. Later, he had to order her computer and printer for her graduation gift. He had to pay the deposit on her dorm room. He had to prepare the slideshow for her graduation party by sifting through volumes of pictures taken over the past seventeen years. It was all becoming way too real.
His little girl had grown up. She was soon to be leaving home and testing her toes in the waters of adult life. He and Tammy weren't going to be there to to pull her back from the water's edge when a shark or alligator lay just a few feet off shore. They weren't going to be there to make sure she got up in time to eat breakfast before class. They weren't going to be there to encourage her to go to bed the night before a big test. They can only hope that when she runs into problems or questions, she won't be too proud to pick up the phone and call.
Since graduation, Frank and Allison have shared a great deal of time together. Some might even say, if its possible, too much. There have been long conversations about college and decision-making and time-management and planning and relationships; there have been father/daughter meals and shopping sprees; Frank has seen Allison, in a very adult-like way, take on some projects and has done very well with. They have ridden roller coasters both emotionally and literally, but at the end of the day, everything is going to be alright. He has tried to impart in some small way the wisdom learned from the experiences he has had. And, at the same time, Allison taught Frank. She taught him that she is more than capable of handling whatever life throws at her.
Over the next four years, Frank anticipates that he and Tammy will watch this marvel of life they cherish so much grow, mature, and yes, even stumble. It will be hard for them to not rush in and make "everything alright." That has been their modus operandi for the past seventeen-plus years. They have to resist that urge, and it's going to be hard, and instead encourage their daughter to handle life's challenges on their own. At the same time, they have to convey to her that they have built a safety net for her, a soft landing spot, if and when she needs it.
Over the next month or so, this transition will kick into high gear. There will be more shopping and packing, a series of "goodbyes," culminating in the final loading up and moving her into her dorm to begin her college experience. Yes, that weekend will be difficult, there's no doubt about it. But survive it they will and Frank, Tammy, Allison and Kendall will get on with the getting on of life. Although different, they will still share the love of the family they have built. They will all know that each other is only a phone call, or a text message, or a skype call away. If need be that little college in East Tennessee is only a 3 1/2 hour drive. Frank suspects, that if need be, he could probably make it in 3.
So, if you happen to run into these family members over the next couple of months, a smile will be more than welcome; maybe a solid, "Hi, how are you, ___________," will go a long way. And if you see a presence of a watery eye, please don't take it personally...just know that change is taking place. and, as Arnold Bennett put it, there's just going to be some discomfort along with it.
On Friday, May 24th, Frank, Tammy and Kendall, along with family and friends, watched with pride as their oldest, Allison, graduated with honors from high school. For the past seventeen + years, they have prepared and awaited this moment, but as the event became "real" in late April, Frank found himself experiencing a great deal of mixed emotion as the days ticked closer. Let there be no doubt, Frank is immensely proud of Allison and her accomplishments. She has met the challenges put before her and has excelled. She has grown into a beautiful young lady and is now set to spread her wings and soar into the future.
The road before Allison, like all of us who have started down this road, is somewhat unclear. She really doesn't have a firm college major in mind, but has been accepted to a wonderful, small college in East Tennessee. She will, without a doubt, thrive and grow. Frank, Tammy and Allison visited Maryville in June to finalize plans for Allison's transition in August. There was information shared, some realities unveiled; schedules tentatively put in place. The ride back home was somewhat quiet, as all three of them digested the volumes of information they had received.
Leading up to graduation, Frank was somewhat emotional, but did his best to hide it from Allison. Whatever happens, he wanted her to make her future plans BASED ON HER, and not on anyone else, including him. Allison has always been very compassionate, and if she were to know how much it hurt her dad that she was going to be leaving and moving away to college, Frank feared she would change her plans. That is the last thing he wants.
A big hurdle for Frank was making it through the weeks between prom and graduation. Prom night was very difficult in that Frank watched as his little girl presented herself on the stairs of their home as a lady, a beautiful young lady. Later, he had to order her computer and printer for her graduation gift. He had to pay the deposit on her dorm room. He had to prepare the slideshow for her graduation party by sifting through volumes of pictures taken over the past seventeen years. It was all becoming way too real.
His little girl had grown up. She was soon to be leaving home and testing her toes in the waters of adult life. He and Tammy weren't going to be there to to pull her back from the water's edge when a shark or alligator lay just a few feet off shore. They weren't going to be there to make sure she got up in time to eat breakfast before class. They weren't going to be there to encourage her to go to bed the night before a big test. They can only hope that when she runs into problems or questions, she won't be too proud to pick up the phone and call.
Since graduation, Frank and Allison have shared a great deal of time together. Some might even say, if its possible, too much. There have been long conversations about college and decision-making and time-management and planning and relationships; there have been father/daughter meals and shopping sprees; Frank has seen Allison, in a very adult-like way, take on some projects and has done very well with. They have ridden roller coasters both emotionally and literally, but at the end of the day, everything is going to be alright. He has tried to impart in some small way the wisdom learned from the experiences he has had. And, at the same time, Allison taught Frank. She taught him that she is more than capable of handling whatever life throws at her.
Over the next four years, Frank anticipates that he and Tammy will watch this marvel of life they cherish so much grow, mature, and yes, even stumble. It will be hard for them to not rush in and make "everything alright." That has been their modus operandi for the past seventeen-plus years. They have to resist that urge, and it's going to be hard, and instead encourage their daughter to handle life's challenges on their own. At the same time, they have to convey to her that they have built a safety net for her, a soft landing spot, if and when she needs it.
Over the next month or so, this transition will kick into high gear. There will be more shopping and packing, a series of "goodbyes," culminating in the final loading up and moving her into her dorm to begin her college experience. Yes, that weekend will be difficult, there's no doubt about it. But survive it they will and Frank, Tammy, Allison and Kendall will get on with the getting on of life. Although different, they will still share the love of the family they have built. They will all know that each other is only a phone call, or a text message, or a skype call away. If need be that little college in East Tennessee is only a 3 1/2 hour drive. Frank suspects, that if need be, he could probably make it in 3.
So, if you happen to run into these family members over the next couple of months, a smile will be more than welcome; maybe a solid, "Hi, how are you, ___________," will go a long way. And if you see a presence of a watery eye, please don't take it personally...just know that change is taking place. and, as Arnold Bennett put it, there's just going to be some discomfort along with it.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thoughts on Turning 50
Well, its all over. A couple of days ago, I turned 50. Yes, I endured the black balloons, the box of bran flakes, the sympathy card, the fire extinguisher jokes, etc., etc. At the end of the day, I found myself sitting in the recliner watching election returns and enjoying being just who I am.
I have to be honest, I have had a very difficult time with this particular age transition. I've been through a range of emotion from "I haven't accomplished what I thought I would have...," to "50? Really?," to "this 50 thing ain't so bad," back to "50? Really?" Even though I struggled some with turning 30, I didn't really mind turning 40, but 50, well, that kind of threw me for a loop. Don't really know why, just did. So after some reflection and some chance encounters with some friends and family, this is how I made it through.
Looking back, I've spent 50 years being a son, nearly 46 being a big brother, over 24 years being married and over 17 years being a dad. I have a beautiful loving wife, two beautiful daughters, a support network second to none, a successful business, a wonderful office team, just to name a few.
While I was struggling with the "I haven't accomplished what I thought I would have..." emotion, a dear friend and mentor had me do a quick balance sheet. That exercise put into perspective just how fortunate and blessed I truly am.
Also during this transition, I scheduled an appointment with my medical professional, also a great friend. This visit helped to find out the emotions being felt were entirely normal. She ran some tests, checked the vitals and told me that everything was just fine. Apparently, contrary to popular belief, I'm about as normal as you can get. Normal blood pressure, normal cholesterol, normal weight, normal aches and pains...actually, I guess I'm a little boring. A little insomnia, but nothing to get terribly excited about. If you're facing a crisis in age transition, I highly recommend such an appointment as it will put your mind at ease.
Another thing I did was re-join the gym. Tommorrow will be my first workout. Starting out slow, and working back up to three times a week. I have been assured, and know from past experience, that my energy level will increase as the gym time increases. I even asked another friend who is a personal trainer, to write me a professional work-out schedule. It is progressive, but not too aggressive and I am eager to get started.
So what's left in this transition? Well, that's pretty simple. Get on with the getting on of life. Even though I don't have any intentions of writing a "bucket list" anytime soon, I would like to turn the following into habits:
(1) Spend more time with my wife and daughters. Its just something that I really would like to do;
(2) Take time to stop and smell the roses; I spend way too much time taking way too many things way too seriously. Most of the things that I expend the most amount of energy and angst on aren't going to matter 6 months from now, much less 10 years from now;
(3) Exercise on a regular basis;
(4) Eat healthier;
So that's it. The transition to the sixth decade of life is complete. The goals are set and the plans are made. There's no going back, that's for sure, and getting older sure beats the alternative.
Looking back, I've spent 50 years being a son, nearly 46 being a big brother, over 24 years being married and over 17 years being a dad. I have a beautiful loving wife, two beautiful daughters, a support network second to none, a successful business, a wonderful office team, just to name a few.
While I was struggling with the "I haven't accomplished what I thought I would have..." emotion, a dear friend and mentor had me do a quick balance sheet. That exercise put into perspective just how fortunate and blessed I truly am.
Also during this transition, I scheduled an appointment with my medical professional, also a great friend. This visit helped to find out the emotions being felt were entirely normal. She ran some tests, checked the vitals and told me that everything was just fine. Apparently, contrary to popular belief, I'm about as normal as you can get. Normal blood pressure, normal cholesterol, normal weight, normal aches and pains...actually, I guess I'm a little boring. A little insomnia, but nothing to get terribly excited about. If you're facing a crisis in age transition, I highly recommend such an appointment as it will put your mind at ease.
Another thing I did was re-join the gym. Tommorrow will be my first workout. Starting out slow, and working back up to three times a week. I have been assured, and know from past experience, that my energy level will increase as the gym time increases. I even asked another friend who is a personal trainer, to write me a professional work-out schedule. It is progressive, but not too aggressive and I am eager to get started.
So what's left in this transition? Well, that's pretty simple. Get on with the getting on of life. Even though I don't have any intentions of writing a "bucket list" anytime soon, I would like to turn the following into habits:
(1) Spend more time with my wife and daughters. Its just something that I really would like to do;
(2) Take time to stop and smell the roses; I spend way too much time taking way too many things way too seriously. Most of the things that I expend the most amount of energy and angst on aren't going to matter 6 months from now, much less 10 years from now;
(3) Exercise on a regular basis;
(4) Eat healthier;
So that's it. The transition to the sixth decade of life is complete. The goals are set and the plans are made. There's no going back, that's for sure, and getting older sure beats the alternative.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
wheni's, theni's & wishi's
Its been awhile since there's been a post here. Many observations made but not recorded, many changes occurred but not chronicled, many trips made, but not logged.
Could it be that what once was a goal to jot down a few thoughts once a week or so, is now just a by-gone wish that cannot be revived? Maybe not.
Looking back over past blogs, Frank recalled some of the events that made him write his thoughts. Mostly happy events, but some thoughts recorded were the product of, at best, frustrating occurrences. But, looking back, most of those frustrations have drifted off as memories, and not really a factor in everyday life. Every once in a while something will happen that will remind him of those times, but for the most part, Frank just lets those items stay in the deep grey matter of the mind.
A thought that's been swirling around for some time is wheni's, theni's and wishi's. Everyone knows what these are if you just take a moment to think about it. How many times have we said, "When I ___________, then I ___________."
Some examples would be, "when I grow up, (then) I want to be a doctor," "when I turn 16, then I will get my license," or the ever-popular, "when I get time, then I will spend more time with the family."
It seems as though we're always chasing something, we're wanting something we don't have, we're trying to get to that point where we can do the fun stuff, but it is just beyond our grasp.
Something even more ironic is, on those occasions when we do reach those goals, we use the "wishi." We've all heard, or some variation of, "when I _________, I wish I had ____________." Some popular examples would be, after getting the college degree, you hear, "when I graduated from high school, I wish I had gone in the military," or maybe, "when we first got married, I wish we had traveled more," or, the one heard time and again, "when the kids were younger, I wish I had spent more time with them."
Now, don't get me wrong, this is not some far-fetched indictment on setting goals or chasing dreams. This is not to insinuate that we should all be content and never try to achieve more, but rather a suggestion we should put just as much effort into enjoying the moments we're living in as we do looking backwards. Maybe we should realize that life doesn't come with an instruction manual and we're going to make mistakes and have regrets. But, those same mistakes and regrets should help to remind us that what is happening today is what memories will be made of in the years to come. The regrets of yesterday should not result in today not being a happy memory of tomorrow.
Thoughts?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
23 Years ago
"Many, many years ago in a land far, far away...," woops, wrong epic story.
As Frank sat down with the latest member to join the Luppe clan this morning, with a warm cup of coffee and a throw in his recliner, his mind focused back on the activities of 23 years ago, on March 19, 1988.
It was a Spring day, but a little on the brisk side. It had been threatening to rain, but that morning it appeared the storms would hold off at least until after the planned festivities of that evening. You see, that day, that in some ways seems like eons ago, but in other ways seems like just yesterday, was the day Frank would wed his beautiful wife, Tammy.
The evening hopefully would culminate, if all the plans worked out, with he and his bride officially married, and celebrating their new life together in a swanky bridal suite in downtown Nashville, a brief stop on their way to a much-deserved honeymoon on the beaches of Florida.
They were going to live happily ever after, have 2.3 children, be successful beyond their wildest dreams, drive new cars (if they drove at all), live in mansions, be global travelers, it was going to be great.
Well, that was the plan, anyway.
Now, this morning as the steam rolled off the top of the coffee, and little Potter snuggled in the crook of Frank's arm, Frank realized that the past 23 years were, and are, for that matter, better than he ever would have imagined. He and Tammy have managed to travel many miles together, travelling to such exotic places as Lone Rock, WI, Panama City Beach, Florida, Coraopolis, PA, Gatlinburg, TN, St. Paul, MN and Houston, TX. They have collectively changed jobs/positions nearly 20 times, they have had, between the two of them, over 16 vehicles (only a very few brand new), have called 6 places home, have two beautiful daughters, Allison and Kendall, and have had 6 dogs/puppies, 1 cat and 1 hamster. That's not counting the unclaimed "pets," such as the mouse that lived in the unworkable fireplace in the first home. They've had their share of leaky roofs, bad paint jobs, crumbling foundations, and busted pipes.
So, what sticks out in the mind as those memorable events that make the events of 23 years ago all the more significant? Is it the big events like the births of their daughters? The anniversary celebrations? The huge family events? The holidays?
Well, of course they are important beyond any stretch of the imagination, but Frank spread a grin across his face as he thought of sitting on the deck in Nashville on a warm summer evening sharing a bottle of wine and talking about the past, present and future. That was the conversation led to the decision of Frank to change careers to that of an accountant.
He thinks of the ice storm in Bowling Green where they boiled water on the woodstove to be able to take warm baths. No electricity for a week, but they managed to never get cold in that rustic log cabin that had the worst heating system in the world.
He thinks of the anxiety each of them felt when they moved away from Clarksville for the first time in 1989, all the way to Madisonville, KY, leaving behind the families they cherished, no longer just a walk down the road or a quick trip across town, but soon to be an hour away, a long distance phone call to talk.
He thinks of the countless lunches they shared at any one of several patio tables in the Arcade when they both worked in downtown Nashville, working on crossword puzzles together and participating in the activity of "people watching." (Now, that was fun!)
He thinks of the vacations they took to the beaches of Florida, the mountains of Gatlinburg, DisneyWorld, St. Paul and on and on. Sometimes, not really sure how they were going to pay for it, but knowing the vacation would be worth it.
He thinks of that first night, getting stuck in the elevator on the way to the honeymoon suite, because he didn't know the suites were on a secure floor and you had to take an extra step to get to the rooms.
He thinks of quietly watching the television for hours, not saying a word, but knowing that all is right with the world as long as Tammy is in the room.
He thinks of the many friends and acquaintances they have met and kept over the years. Many of those friends, along with a very supportive family, gathered together in that Lutheran Church in 1988, to witness the ceremony and share in the happiness of the new couple. That night, that sanctuary seemed so large and looming to Frank; today, its considered a chapel. He remembers thinking how beautiful Tammy, on the arm of her father, looked as she made the walk to the chancel of the church. It seemed to take forever for her to get there. But, get there she did. The Pastor led them through the ceremony, there was a reception in the fellowship hall of the church, and after a couple of more stops, they were on their way. Married. Wed. Mr. and Mrs. Luppe.
Tonight, Tammy and Frank will celebrate those 23 years of marriage. Nothing outlandish, a nice, quiet dinner at a restaurant they have a gift certificate to in Nashville, perhaps a movie or a walk in downtown. They will return home to their daughters, and get on with the getting on of life and its challenges.
Frank is firm in his belief that the past 23 years would have been so very, very different without Tammy. And, not in a good way. He would not have experienced the love they have shared, the accomplishments they have enjoyed, the challenges they have met together, the two most beautiful daughters in the world, and the warmest of homes that she has created.
Has it been all milk and honey, peaches and cream, a bed of roses? Well, of course not.
Its been so, so, much better than that!
Happy Anniversary, Suggee...looking forward to the spending the rest of eternity with you by my side!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
So long, 2010...Welcome, 2011
A couple of weeks ago, Frank enjoyed some quiet time with a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning. Somehow, what had shaped up to be another frantic Sunday of getting ready for church turned into a windfall of about 25 minutes on the deck in some unseasonably warm weather. As he sipped on the coffee and watched as Shay pawwed her way across the back yard looking for that "perfect spot," it occurred to Frank that yet another year was in its last few weeks. Most of the leaves in the trees of Rustling Oaks have either fallen or passed the peak of their color a few weeks earlier.
The realization that another year had begun its final dash through the holidays brought on time of reflection of the events of the past year. It has been a year of triumphs and sadness, accomplishments and challenges. The opening of a new office with the ribbon cutting and the meeting of so many new friends and clients; the bidding of sad farewells to those who have passed on from this life; the accomplishment of goals met and and the challenges of facing the demands of day-to-day existence.
On the local, state and political stages, it has been another year of change, watching voters on all levels essentially tell their leaders, "we're not happy with the way things are being done...,'' and saying so in a non-violent way through the ballot. No riots, no screaming, no rock-throwing as is so-often the scene on the nightly news. Just a change in leadership and a transition of power as directed by the voters. It never ceases to amaze Frank how this plays out at least one time a year on some level of government. This year has been a unique year in that all levels of government have seen some, if not significant, change.
On a personal level, Frank has witnessed changes in the family he holds so dear. Tammy, coming to the realization that her youngest is nearing the age of preschool and beyond, has re-entered the workplace. A government job, and one that has a lot of potential for growth. It will be interesting to watch as Tammy and Kendall make this adjustment.
Allison, Frank and Tammy's oldest, probably experienced the most change of anyone in their family. She continued to feel her way down the path to adulthood; taking not one, but two, trips out of state without her parents, the second even negotiating her way through air travel on her own. Frank remembers that week, kissing her on the forehead before leaving for work on Tuesday. He remembered thinking 'she's too young to be flying by herself.' But on Sunday, as he, Tammy and Kendall watched as Allison came down the escalator to the baggage claim area, Frank remembers thinking, 'Wow! What happened to my little girl?' Allison had met the challenge, made new friends and had experiences she will remember for a lifetime. She had entered young adulthood, and the process could not be reversed.
But, Allison wasn't done yet. In September, Allison joined the ranks of driving America. The process has begun, with journeys under the watchful, yet nervous, eye of Frank. Frank has had to make adjustments during this process as well. Its hard for him to sit in the passenger seat knowing he's not in control of the situation, and having to place his trust in the not-so-little girl that he and Tammy have watched mature to this point. Allison is turning the page on a journey that will last a lifetime...a journey that Tammy and Frank have done their best to equip her for, and can only hope they have done an adequate enough job.
The realization that another year had begun its final dash through the holidays brought on time of reflection of the events of the past year. It has been a year of triumphs and sadness, accomplishments and challenges. The opening of a new office with the ribbon cutting and the meeting of so many new friends and clients; the bidding of sad farewells to those who have passed on from this life; the accomplishment of goals met and and the challenges of facing the demands of day-to-day existence.
On the local, state and political stages, it has been another year of change, watching voters on all levels essentially tell their leaders, "we're not happy with the way things are being done...,'' and saying so in a non-violent way through the ballot. No riots, no screaming, no rock-throwing as is so-often the scene on the nightly news. Just a change in leadership and a transition of power as directed by the voters. It never ceases to amaze Frank how this plays out at least one time a year on some level of government. This year has been a unique year in that all levels of government have seen some, if not significant, change.
On a personal level, Frank has witnessed changes in the family he holds so dear. Tammy, coming to the realization that her youngest is nearing the age of preschool and beyond, has re-entered the workplace. A government job, and one that has a lot of potential for growth. It will be interesting to watch as Tammy and Kendall make this adjustment.
Allison, Frank and Tammy's oldest, probably experienced the most change of anyone in their family. She continued to feel her way down the path to adulthood; taking not one, but two, trips out of state without her parents, the second even negotiating her way through air travel on her own. Frank remembers that week, kissing her on the forehead before leaving for work on Tuesday. He remembered thinking 'she's too young to be flying by herself.' But on Sunday, as he, Tammy and Kendall watched as Allison came down the escalator to the baggage claim area, Frank remembers thinking, 'Wow! What happened to my little girl?' Allison had met the challenge, made new friends and had experiences she will remember for a lifetime. She had entered young adulthood, and the process could not be reversed.
But, Allison wasn't done yet. In September, Allison joined the ranks of driving America. The process has begun, with journeys under the watchful, yet nervous, eye of Frank. Frank has had to make adjustments during this process as well. Its hard for him to sit in the passenger seat knowing he's not in control of the situation, and having to place his trust in the not-so-little girl that he and Tammy have watched mature to this point. Allison is turning the page on a journey that will last a lifetime...a journey that Tammy and Frank have done their best to equip her for, and can only hope they have done an adequate enough job.
The coming year, well, Frank had taken a look at the blogs written last year, and realized that in some ways, the year of 2010 had seen a mixed bag. Yes, Frank and Tammy had watched as their lovely daughters continued to mature beyond their expectations. Tammy had re-entered the workforce, Luppe CPA had continued to grow in revenues and clients served, Frank had attained the designation of CFE, a goal specifically mentioned last year.
With growth comes the need for capital, and so the debt had not been reduced as much as Frank and Tammy had wanted, although they were able to secure some favorable refinancing terms on their mortgage. So, with time, and some additional income and reduced expenses, the debt should continue its downward trend.
So again, the Luppe's wish all their friends and family and Happy and Prosperous New Year. May your triumphs and accomplishments be many and may your disappointments and sadnesses be few and far between. Hang on all...here comes 2011!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
